11 June 2019 (blog index)

Last Friday I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I hurt someone that I care about very deeply. And I may have lost a friend forever.

I had too much to drink, and although I think many of the feelings I expressed were valid, the way I went about it was horrendous. And besides, as if my feelings are her problem after all this time? I shouldn't have pushed them on to her.

I guess I'm trying to use being drunk as an excuse, but it's not really, since I was thinking about contacting her well before the drinking incident - and I did contact her out of the blue. That was wrong. I don't think contacting her in of itself would have been, we parted ways as friends, after all; but there are far more respectful and considerate ways to do it.

Some time ago, I pushed this person away from me, and I am very sure I hurt her by doing that, but I am also sure it was the right thing to do given the circumstances; because being close to me was also hurting her, and it probably would only have got worse. Pushing her away was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, it was so painful and I struggled for a long time to stop myself from reentering her life. Even when I was invited to.

And now, for some reason my brain decided to dwell on her again, and in a moment of weakness, I couldn't stop myself. It's ironic, in trying to bring this person back in to my life, I drove her further away. And she almost certainly thinks far less of me. I don't really care what most people think about me; but there are a handful of people whose opinion really does matter to me. And now I've screwed it up with one of them.

I guess the most important thing is that I learn a bit more about myself from the experience, and become better able to recognise and control my thoughts. I think I am pretty good at it, but this experience has taught me that I can still improve a lot.

To future Cameron: If you find yourself in this situation again, remember how badly it worked out last time.